i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
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I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
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You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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