I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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