i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
