im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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