I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
