Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
