Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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