Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Actions speak louder than pants.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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