I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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