DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
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This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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