I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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