I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
