He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
