The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
