Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Randomize
