I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
