I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
