I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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