when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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