My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
