Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
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I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize