I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Be still, my beating vagina.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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