someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I supernannyed him into submission
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
