Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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