do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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