last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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