My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
