You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.