Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance