please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW