If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
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Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
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remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...