I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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