Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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