By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
