Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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