Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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