I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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