if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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