every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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