Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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