i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
