So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
