I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
