I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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