I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
