I wish my penis had an off switch
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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