I faked an abortion last night.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
