Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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