WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
