Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
