Apparently you make a good broom.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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