I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
