Say something about gay babies.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
