dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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