Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
