I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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