just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
