i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize