Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Let's get the cat blown out
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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