I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
